sometimes i get this feeling that i might surprise my boyfriend and offend him/snap at him/be rude to the point that he's like..."i'm done with this". this feeling comes because i surprise myself when my actions or words just flow out and i speak/do things i don't mean..and perhaps i don't even know what i'm saying/doing at all.

such a strange and scary phenomenon to not know yourself in moments of emotion. i don't mean the type of "not knowing" that i'm in a black-out rage and going bazurk... i just mean i don't sit and ponder and conjure up words and actions that i know will be purely constructive, healthy ways to communicate and express. i imagine that's why people meditate and pray - to get to know self and to settle in to your own soul, your own feelings. comforting and scary at the same time -- to know yourself wholly and yet still accept yourself.

that's one of my biggest challenges...getting to know myself. digging in and wondering, wandering through my own mind and emotions...exploring my desires and needs and beliefs. i do it in spurts, but i want to become deeper, with a bigger understanding of self. self-awareness is so key in this life.

with the whole concept of knowing self, it's hard to imagine a time when i'll know myself completely and have all the answers, being comfortable and feeling like i know exactly what i want and need in life.  love relationships are magical, then, because they bring us together with another soul who is on this wretched journey of getting-to-know-self and yet, at the same time...like us...reaching out for another soul to love and fellowship with. this following quote describes my hope, fully, in finding love and "knowing" another person -

"anyone who knows me, should learn to know me again. for i am like the moon, you will see me with new face everyday" - unknown (interesting that "unknown" said this hehe)

knowing someone is scary and yet the safest, most vulnerable, and exciting thing.