what a blessedness,
what a peace is mine. 
leaning on the everlasting arms!

- a hymn

Blessed

I've come to realize that I need a lot of different people in my life.
I'm not built to have one human that I know and talk to.
I have family, a boyfriend, close friends, distant friends, work friends.
Even my parents' dog and random cats on the street give me bursts of giddy-ness
and put a smile on my face.  
Each and every loved one fills part of my cup of happiness each day.
I find myself feeling so happy to see an old friend I haven't seen in a while.
But I might go one day without seeing someone else and miss them dearly.
I love that my life is filled with other people who fill up my cup of joy and contentment.
The next time I start to feel low or lost or anxious, I want to remember this.
Remembering all of the people who bless me with their presence,
their friendship,
and their love!
I want to bless them, too.
I am blessed.

PARADOX OF GRACE

At first, things appear to be a result of human effort.  Then, upon close inspection, we discover everything to be a product of divine power and perfection.  

(from reign of God by R. Rice)

rooted. but willing to look beyond.

The city of Loma Linda is in the process of widening Campus street in front of West Hall.
This morning when I arrived to take my test (Public health final…last nursing final of my life!!! Besides the NCLEX boards exam),
I was locking up my bike and heard some "officials"/"inspectors"/"boss guys"
talking about how they need to cut down a maple tree and a palm tree.
The trees are in the way of the widening.
It struck me as sad that these trees that have probably been growing here for 20+ years
are just getting chopped down and they barely had a few hours of warning.
The beauty they add to our building is so valuable, and they're going to be just "gone" tomorrow?!
I know the trees don't "know" what's happening or that their lives are over.
but still.
Chain saws buzzed as the perfectly healthy, beautiful trees were being cut down as I left school.

I started pedaling home.
It affected me to think that these growing things are being ended and only their roots will remain.
I thought about how sometimes things get chopped down, removed, changed in my own life, or in lives of my close friends and family.
At the beginning it may seem unfair, confusing, surprising, and we just want to fight the changes.
We think, why does this other person get to choose what happens to me, why is this change happening when I was happy with the way things were, who am I after this, why did I lose someone in my life who I wanted to be there forever?
On the other hand, we may fear the roots and wish that these rotten things would just disappear, that the roots of rotten things have no value.
So, what happens when only the roots are left of that thing/relationship/accomplishment/goal.
Roots of these are there as reminders, we can feel them and understand their origin.
We know they were growing and were a part of our lives.
But we can make a choice to set a pretty plant on the stump, cover up the spot with something more useful.
Making use of our uprooted or chopped-down selves is what creates change and allows us to move forward.
There are multiple times in my life when I was afraid I would fail, when I figured I would never be happy without a certain someone, when I felt un-loved, unacceptable or disrespected.  The fear, sharp pain or guilt or loss, and longing in those experiences is what I imagine the "protection and love" of parents is rooted in.  No one wants another person (especially a child) to have to experience fear and longing like that in this life.  
I can feel those roots of hurt, change, confusion, unfairness.  Sometimes I may want to bomb the site of that "tree" to try to eliminate all the memory.  Still, there may be other roots that I wish would sprout again and grow.  Those experiences, memories and feelings have deep meaning and reality in my life.
But choosing to look up and out from whence beauty developed out of those times….
That's when I truly feel growth and absolute freedom to love who I am, without judgment.
Trees in my own life may feel deeply rooted, beautiful and free.  I may cringe at the thought of them being changed and chopped to nothing.  Or, on the contrary, sometimes I feel that the root of an experience or relationship is tangled into who I am, so much so that my mind is consumed and I forget to look up and out at the beauty around me.
I want to have the courage and strength to look beyond, while still appreciating all of my roots.

my Brazilian experience (;

kinda my expression from the pain! haha!

today I did something I've never done.  It was painful!

I got a brazilian wax.  for the most part it wasn't scary

but those moments when they ripped the dried wax off..

oh man! But…at least I know now what to expect if I ever pay $50+
for torture like that again (;   

you know the funny part?  The esthetician was my friend!

she is learning at her new place of employment (a spa in Redlands).  

and she needs some people to come in so she can have practice.

  

there was this moment of "quick inhale, this is awkward" 

when my lady parts were first revealed.  

but what's one vagina?  There's worse to see in the world. 

like an open wound, a dead animal on the street, or even an

old man staring at me in a dark alley.  

overall it wasn't bad!  I would do it again!

Not for the faint of heart, though. 

It's misleading because the warm wax feels so soothing

and then they let it cool and harden and rip your hairs out.

from the roots! yowchy! 

Season of rain

Praise the Lord oh my soul, when it’s all gone wrong

Everything fades but our love shines on
Praise the Lord oh my soul, when your hope is gone
Everything fades but our love shines on

Like waves on the ocean singing old songs
Like waves on the ocean breaking beyond

So faint the impatient can’t hear
The sound of the one without years
The culmination of every child’s tears
Form a tide breaking on the eternal lands

Time stands still
In the moment when we are healed
I questioned if this was real
But then I opened up my heart and I could feel

The feather of a bird in the wind

Fire in the brush if we only
Speak when we must
A hush of heart will become a good treasure

Kept in a place without systems of measure
But as real as an undying love

We will discern what comes from above
Compared to that which could never be sustained
The season of rain will bring labor pain
But its end will be the most wonderful
Joy, Oh Lord

Praise the Lord oh my soul, when it’s all gone wrong
Everything fades but our love shines on
Praise the Lord oh my soul, when your hope is gone
Everything fades but our love shines on

Like waves on the ocean singing old songs
Like waves on the ocean breaking beyond

- Season of Rain by: Josh Garrels 

The way I think

I would say I am a creative and practical thinker.  I don't often try to analyze or look at things from a purely logical perspective.  This is not to say that I don't use logic, but I don't try to separate logic from the creative or practical side of things.

I am interested and knowledgable about a lot of things.  I love animals, trees, flowers, water, cooking, drinking tea, reading interesting books, looking at my surroundings, shopping, helping others, school, spending time with people, exercising, doing yoga, reading poems, and finding quotes that fit my struggles or questions at the moment.

I don't really set times to "go think" or put on my thinking cap purposefully.  I usually let my thoughts flow as I do chores, ride my bike to school, lay down for sleep, take a shower or do other things that make me happy (cook, make crafts, look out the window, browse the internet).  I am constantly thinking, but my thoughts are usually a free-flowing, and smooth sea of words and pictures in my mind.

The sort of information that I usually seek in life is unique to me.  Facts & data, theories & concepts, and instincts & feelings are three main categories of information in life**.  Honestly, I think on all of these.  But, I would say that facts and data are most welcome by my mind because they are concrete and real to me.  When I see and can measure or know that something IS, then I accept it and can move on.  My smooth sea of thought is not interrupted and I learn throughout my day.  My instincts and feelings (the third category from above) are intertwined into my body.  I AM instincts and feelings.  Honestly, I know and accept my feelings as they come.  There has to be some way that I assess and change how I feel (or else I would be manic/depressive…since I, like everyone, have ups and downs and moments of sadness and happiness).  But, honestly, I can't put my finger on how I realize how I feel.  I just feel!  I have a way of controlling my feelings and letting my facts and data help me see the real picture of what is happening, I try to make sure I don't overreact (this doesn't always work).  Then, I am able to presently feel a certain way.  I have that power and I use it more than I know.  I am proud of myself for that.

My thinking is free flowing & inventive.  I have an imagination, and I have a way of letting my mind wander, if thoughts appear that don't belong or that are harmful in some way, I simply discard them and move on.  If thoughts reappear, I think about why, and I work on truly changing my thinking to be more positive and real in that situation.

Big picture or detail minded?  I would say I am a mixture of both.  I consider the big picture and the details.  I don't find a mind block if I don't know details of why I feel a certain way, and I don't get upset if I know a lot of details but haven't seen the big picture yet.  I tend to just sit back and relax while life comes my way.

Most of the time, my thoughts come quickly.  I am more often pragmatic, rather than seeking perfection or definite answers to each question.  I actually find comfort in being practical and not seeking out theory and definition in everything.  If I had been born before we knew what gravity was, though, I think I would have been a scientist.  Seeking to find out how things flow and how objects do what they do on this earth.  Why do the stars move in the sky, and how does the sun go across the sky everyday?  I seek facts and want to know why things happen as they do.  But, I don't necessarily cry or reach a mental cliff that I want to jump off of when I can't find an answer.

I know a person (someone very close to me) that has emotional energy and drive that is so inspiring to me.  But, I have accepted that I simply don't have the emotional energy that all people do.  I tend to get tired and actually more confused if I use too much emotional energy in thought.  One goal I have for this next year is to gain more emotional energy.  I want to learn how to control my emotion so that my thoughts can be more real and fair.  I want my smooth sea of thoughts that I usually experience, to influence and help me have a smooth sea of emotion.  Realizing that happiness and sadness will come, but I can ride those waves in a trusty row boat of emotional stability, rather than scrambling and sputtering, trying to stay afloat on my own.

I want God to help me.  I want to continue finding inspiration from His words in the bible, and talking to others about their relationship with Him.  When I am feeling upset or confused, I want to talk to God and tell Him that I need His help.  After all, I want His help, even when I don't necessarily admit it at first.

I want to find out where I shine and where I falter.  I want to find out more about myself and how I can keep calm and sail through life, seeing the sights instead of looking within too much.  Helping others, building friendships, learning new things about the world, and having a trusting relationship with God are all things that will make me happy.

Happiness is my ultimate goal, but I know that it isn't going to be perpetual or perfect.  I can't be happy all the time.  But, I can learn and grow through my life experiences and relationships and be happy with all of that in the end.

**http://www.wellbeingwizard.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=409&Itemid=202

look around

THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO LIVE YOUR LIFE:
One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is.
-Albert Einstein