run!

i have this love for beautiful pictures and sights and sounds, altogether.
doesn't everyone? tonight, a picture of perfection came together in my experience.

tonight, i went jogging with my pup in the stormy evening light.
storm... as in: it was raining in loma linda. just sprinkling at first.
i wore a cozy headband that hugged my ears as we floated over the wet pavement.
a few unseen puddles dotting the sidewalk soaked my feet on the first block.
kept running.
about 500 feet into the run, a gorgeous song came on. i don't even know which
artist it was, but i loved the song! my heart seemed to contract with each rhythmic, happy
beat of the song.
kept running.
it was so perfect for the situation and our bodies moving
...the night lights on the wet roads were just
sparkling.
kept running.
about a mile in to the run, it started to pour.
i smiled and kept running, so did the dog by my side.
something is so special when things that would normally bother you
make you feel alive.
soaked to the bone, we arrived home safely.
just three miles and we found happiness.
tonight was a good reminder
to keep running.
<3

get me

i want someone to get me/understand me/know me.

what if you can't?

what if no one can. 

what if I can't even know myself, fully?

i'll be blessed if you just vow to keep trying,

love. 

next

boom clap, the sound in my heart. the beat goes on, and on, and on, and on now.
wow. miraculous. awesome. inexplicable. amazing. life.
it's amazing how our hearts work. how our bodies work.
makes me want to cry when i imagine the intricacy of the human body.
and then when i add feelings and emotions into the miraculous "tickings", my understanding
becomes impossible. i can't completely grasp my own existence, or anyone else's for that matter.
it's so hard to imagine that life isn't from some purposeful source. that we, aren't created
for a purpose.
so, with a hopeful heart and a smile, i choose to believe.
i choose to believe in my version of a loving God.
a loving God who has made inexplicable things come into being.
who will make even more inexplicable things come alive.
a God who also allows inexplicable things to take place.
things that hurt, sting, burn, and ache.
our beautiful hearts that are so intricate, can ache with a strength that rivals the force of their beauty.
aching that may feel it will never end, that tears and overwhelms.
all that's left is hope. it's not fair that hope is the only thing left...
we want the being back, the presence back in our present.
but it's always there, hope.
despite sickness, suffering, and eventually death.
there's always hope.
there's always something left..
something next.


my grade school art teacher died this last week. she's dead. cancer beat her body for years and she finally couldn't fight anymore. it's horrible. imagining her kids (they're my age, my old school mates) and her husband without her. they miss her. they miss the person, they don't want hope. they just want her.

then today, a girl from WWU fell asleep with Jesus. she'd been hit by a truck and was being kept alive by machines. her parents don't want to be in the hospital room with her dead body. they want her breathe and warmth and her hugs. they want her smile and the smell of her hair when they hug her. they don't want hope.

but maybe, with all of these people...hope will become the next thing. after all the hurt and wondering and crying. hope will be next.

dear

someone i love visited this weekend.
his presence, his laugh, his body in the same room as me.
i am so lucky.
i want to always remember to treasure moments spent together.
it's very true that tomorrow, or even our next breathe is not known.
always hug, kiss, squeeze, gaze at, and value those
you hold
most dear.

this pic might be 1.5 years old...

sometimes i get this feeling that i might surprise my boyfriend and offend him/snap at him/be rude to the point that he's like..."i'm done with this". this feeling comes because i surprise myself when my actions or words just flow out and i speak/do things i don't mean..and perhaps i don't even know what i'm saying/doing at all.

such a strange and scary phenomenon to not know yourself in moments of emotion. i don't mean the type of "not knowing" that i'm in a black-out rage and going bazurk... i just mean i don't sit and ponder and conjure up words and actions that i know will be purely constructive, healthy ways to communicate and express. i imagine that's why people meditate and pray - to get to know self and to settle in to your own soul, your own feelings. comforting and scary at the same time -- to know yourself wholly and yet still accept yourself.

that's one of my biggest challenges...getting to know myself. digging in and wondering, wandering through my own mind and emotions...exploring my desires and needs and beliefs. i do it in spurts, but i want to become deeper, with a bigger understanding of self. self-awareness is so key in this life.

with the whole concept of knowing self, it's hard to imagine a time when i'll know myself completely and have all the answers, being comfortable and feeling like i know exactly what i want and need in life.  love relationships are magical, then, because they bring us together with another soul who is on this wretched journey of getting-to-know-self and yet, at the same time...like us...reaching out for another soul to love and fellowship with. this following quote describes my hope, fully, in finding love and "knowing" another person -

"anyone who knows me, should learn to know me again. for i am like the moon, you will see me with new face everyday" - unknown (interesting that "unknown" said this hehe)

knowing someone is scary and yet the safest, most vulnerable, and exciting thing.