i purchased a candle today and it smells delicious like warm pine mixed with vanilla - 

a candle scent called "cabin retreat". might sound silly, but it's my favorite situation imaginable. 

in a cabin, houseboat, or even a campsite, with people i enjoy. the scent of food cooking, fresh air breathing in from the outside. flower petals, branches and leaves fluttering everywhere around. a body of water nearby, welcoming our feet or entire bodies for wading, canoeing, and swimming. favorite books packed in suitcases to be read during quiet moments. a guitar leaning against a lawn chair, ready for festivities around the fire later. the sound of more cars pulling in... arriving with new faces and hugs to be shared. cabin retreat, i long for more than just your scent. 

Lord, comfort me & mine.

I'm a very nonchalant, sarcastic, carefree person. I go slow through life and keeping in close touch with people is hard for me. Maybe it's because I'm scared of rejection or I know I'm okay to just depend on me for most things. One "thing" (or group or wonderful creation, whatever you want to call it) that I depend on, and cherish, is my family. Weeks or months may go by without seeing them, I may get busy with work and sleeping and not call them for a while. But, when I finally do, it's always so touching to feel their warmth from afar, I love my parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and distant relatives. They make me feel important and like I matter. 

 In my future family, I want there to be that care and love emanating through the relationships. That security in depending on your "people" because they're there for that. And that's why you are told as a kid that you can do anything you set your mind to - You have the support and love to try things and explore. Life's not meant to be done alone. Loving and finding lasting love in life is a journey and I struggle with feeling insecure about it sometimes. Fearing rejection and wondering about the future puts my now in a standstill. I fail my loved ones because I'm worrying (inside my carefree, nonchalant little head). I guess my prayer tonight is for wisdom to sit in the present and love those around me. Not to forget to try to make them smile and show them how deeply they matter to me: how much I want them around. Remind them how much I need them in my life for learning and growth and partnership. Because, the further I journey through life/work/adulthood, the more I see how it's not meant to be done alone. Experiences and stress but also joy are all meant to be shared. Having a partner in life lets you walk the walk of life with support. Partnership is not something to be scared of or ashamed to want very badly, I actually believe is something we need as fragile and broken human beings. I need to remember to share my love with and support those I love most. 

kjw.luv

can't help thinking of my cousin tonight. she died with too much life left to live. her baby daughter will never remember her voice or her hands or her sayings. so, so sad. so, so unfair. feeling sorry and confused. it's confusing that a life with so much to contribute, so wished to live, by everyone - would still be lost. i consider myself a believer in God and miracles and His guidance in the grand scheme and the little details of life. but, it's still alarming to see how quickly a life can be cut short. a body can be torn, squashed, mixed-up, ruined by disease. all of the advances in medicine couldn't anti-bacterialize, anti-viralize, de-cancerize her beautiful body. so, now she is gone. she breathed her last perfect breath and left this world. she'll rest until she's set free to live again with a pure, healthy body. one that has no pain, no imperfections, no fear of death. i can only imagine feeling a sting of wonder and fear. it would grip my throat, heart, and stomach all-at-once: why me? how will i die? what will it feel like? will it hurt? will i be scared? who will be there? will they miss me when i'm gone? will they forget me? how will my baby grow up without a mom?

so many questions.
no real answers.
only trust and faith.
and she had a lot of faith.
i love and loved and will love her, until i see her again.
we'll go for a swim in a clear lake. maybe go skinny dipping.

a quote i found pinned on her pinterest wall:
"there is no key to happiness, the door is always opened" - mother theresa